This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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