so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
