My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
