i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
