mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
So many bounce houses so little time
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
