Paul doesn't remember going to the bar and slept on someone's porch...doesn't know whose porch...maybe near Howard U.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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