You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Randomize
