There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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