You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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