Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
That's how pantless uber rides happen
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
