I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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