I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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