Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
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