I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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