3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
