you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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