Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
