how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
