My balls are so social today.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
They took my balls.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
