Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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