I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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