Midget sex pt 2 tonight
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
