AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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