i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
