apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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