when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
