i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
