Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
