eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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