Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
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