I saw his package. It spoke to me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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