i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
