She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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