I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
