i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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