I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
