new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
