i need an iv and a liver transplant
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
And then he peed in my hair
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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