No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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