Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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