Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
