My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
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He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
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Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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