I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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