seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
