ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
