my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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