I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.