theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
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I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
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Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her