It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Randomize
