You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
