Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
