Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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