every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
