she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
