omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
