To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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