So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
