Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Randomize
