Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
