I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I am available for nakedness
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