I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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