ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Randomize
